Write Coast

If you want REAL massage parlors or an escort service in Los Angeles go here! - The post below is just a spoof.

My son is turning 16 next week and we all know what this age means. I hate to admit it but he’s rather shy around girls and not very popular. As we’ve recently moved (to clique-y Los Angeles) he’s having a hard time getting adjusted and not making many friends. My husband and I would hate to see him have a bad junior year in high school; not having dates for dances, due to his lack of self-confidence, and so forth.

So, my husband decided on getting him an escort for his birthday. His father bought him one when he was about the same age and he claims it made him a hit with the ladies and the envy of his buddies… I told him that I think times have changed a bit, and that our son probably wouldn’t be too proud of getting one, but he is insisting it’s the right choice.

Because I work from home and I don’t have a boss peering over my shoulders, and because his b-day is so soon, my husband asked me to hurry up and try to find one that looks good but isn’t too expensive, and is in Los Angeles… so I went out in search of escorts on the Internet.

I was absolutely floored by what I found!!!!

BBW Escorts

BDSM Escorts

Black Escorts

Busty Blonde Escorts

Busty Escorts

Cheap Escorts

Discreet Escorts

Exotic Escort

Female Escorts

Foreign Escorts

Gay Escort

GFE

High Class Escort

Male Escorts

Mature Escorts

Porn Star Escort

Teen Escorts

Topless Escorts

Prices ranged from about $400-$10,000!

I honestly had no idea there were even so many different types and to be frank I felt a little uncomfortable choosing a type and didn’t really want to call to ask questions or for more pics since I’ve never bought an escort before and didn’t know the right questions to ask to know whether it was a legit deal or not.

The Selection of Los Angeles Escorts:

Anyways, so here is what I found, which one would you pick if you were a teenage boy?

If you want REAL massage parlors or an escort service in Los Angeles go here!

BBW Escorts

Big. Beautiful. Wing. Oh, and Big. Bad. White. Hard to pick; I say neither.

BDSM Escorts

All I can say is wow. Painful to look at, I’m sure it this would be pure torture to drive.

Black Escorts

… I won’t even go there.

Blonde Escorts

Hey, if they come with it maybe the problem is solved.

Busty Escorts

The value of a good pair of headlights can’t be underestimated.

Cheap Escorts

It’s tempting to save a buck… but something tells me it’s safer not to.

Discreet Escorts

Hmm, I guess this is good if you don’t want anyone to know you got an escort.

Exotic Escort

Definitely a little spicier than the average white or black escort.

Female Escorts

At least you can tell from the pictures.

Foreign Escorts

If the cops pull you over with one of these do they get deported?

Gay Escorts

It’s his choice and I’ll support him either way…

GFE Escorts

Three words: Green. Funny. Eyesore.

High Class Escort

Definitely the way to go if you can afford it and like the attention when you’re out.

Male Escorts

Very manly.

Older Escorts

For the more mature escort enthusiast; clearly they have some miles on them and will probably have a lot of issues, but some guys like fixing them.

Porn Star Escort

Definitely going to be the most fun ride out of the bunch but your friends are always going to want to borrow, and they usually have so many modifications they end up looking like crap.

Teen Escorts

Although they look innocent chances are they have been around the block and were driven harder than you’d think.

Topless Escorts

It’s easy to see what’s on the inside when they’re topless.

Man. Tranny Escort

Read the fine print, or you’ll be expecting a smooth ride until you find out there’s a stick-shift

Rant to writecoast [at] writecoast.com. Try to have a sense of humor.